Trusting my Wings
Remember your roots and trust your wings.
Do you ever feel like you need to fly? Uproot and experience life somewhere new? I have always been that girl who knew she was destined to live somewhere other than Minnesota. My parents moved away for a couple years after they got married so the idea was a real tangible thing in my mind. My story has two types of truths though— two main reasons how I always knew I would uproot.
The Hard Truth: Here it goes… I didn’t know this at the time but “younger me’s” desire to move had so much more to do with my insecurities and hopes of reinventing myself rather than finding my own little piece of paradise. I was painfully uncomfortable with myself in high school and never felt I was truly able to bust my walls down.
As much as I wanted to I didn’t know how to let the desires within my heart BEAM. I wasn’t confident enough… and my anxieties made me feel like I wasn’t worthy enough and worse yet they made me believe that no-one was on my team.
I thought if I could start fresh I could push through my insecurities and become whomever I wanted to be without judgement.
WRONG. — Moving to a new place with new faces does not do that. THERAPY. Therapy is what will do that. Hah! Therapy is so good and I must say that I think everyone should take advantage if they are able. I also feel it’s appropriate to note that I had the best crew in high school who was on my team. All of my insecurities just couldn’t accept it.
The Easy Truth: This is so easy and if you’re from the midwest you will get this so hard. Mosquitos! The freaking mosquitos in Minnesota. The frozen tundra. I mean, like so frozen that your nose hairs crystalize together from just breathing. Or, in the Summer months when the humidity and heat is so high that your lower back and upper lip have a perma pool of sweat sitting stagnant even when the AC is on FULL blast. Ughhh…. Oh and allergies. Summers are lush and colorful which is beautiful but it can also make it hard to breathe. Another very easy truth that is more personal to me is my desire to experience something new and exciting.
The dream of something bigger, something much more comfortable, was very real to me.
THE STORY: In comes my extremely handsome husband ;) ;) Seriously though, Matt came into my world slow and steady and he also had the dream for something bigger. He was unlike anyone I had dated before and was deemed a “Mountain Man” well before our move to the mountains. He’s a rock climber, snowboarder, mountain biker,… you name the “extreme” sport and he is at the very least interested in it. His dream was to move West.
I, on the other hand, a total indoor-girl who loved just relaxing in the comfort of her perfectly air conditioned home preferred only venturing outside for a fun party or bonfire or to relax some more at the nearest MN lake. My dream move was probably more to a beach in southern California.
I was super reluctant to let him share any of his extreme life with me. It didn’t take long though for him to convince me to go climbing and snowboarding and camping and all the crazy things. I’m sure my mom was shook the first time I told her I was going ROCK CLIMBING. I’m sure she laughed too. I was an indoor girly girl to the core.
Since then, Matt and I have been on countless trips. Road trips, camping trips, rock or ice climbing trips, snowboarding trips, vacation trips, you name it! Our trips were spent outdoors and they were considered extreme and I was hooked. Each trip was infused with our own hypothetical dreams of living a life together in those very spots. I remember one time, we were near Colorado Springs on a climbing trip and we picked up some real estate magazines while out to lunch...
We began really envisioning our lives there and it was so exciting to get lost in the thought!
You know that sense of relief you feel when you pull into your driveway after a getaway? Going home from most trips is generally a bummer because that means going back to your daily grind at work and yada yada but GETTING HOME, especially after all the travel and exhaustion related to that, feels pretty damn good! Home is our safe place. It’s my safe place and the place I can fully exhale and just be. And, let’s get real, NOTHING beats sleeping in your own bed! Being home is familiar and comfortable and safe and having our friends and family to surround us solidifies that. Even after fantasizing such a wild life somewhere much further away.
That time comes though for some of us. That time when it doesn’t seem as familiar or comfortable or safe even with our village by our side.
I can still feel the nervous jitters that took over my entire body (mostly my face- I’m sure I looked like a lunatic) when I got that phone call from Matt. One of the few out of state jobs that he applied for had offered him an incredible offer…. in Colorado! At the time, I was working at a restaurant training in a new team of wait staff and I could BARELY focus my attention on them. As each trainee asked a new question I would come up with a few questions of my own — Was he going to accept? Were we really going to move to a different state? How were we going to tell out family and friends... and bosses? Is this really my life? I was SO happy and excited and I don’t think I could stop smiling that entire day!
I can’t remember what trip it was anymore that gave us the feeling that Minnesota was no longer home for us. I totally remember the feeling though! We were driving home from out of state and while I used to get so eagerly anxious after each mile marker counted down or bright green highway sign confirmed we were en route, this time something was pulling me back. I just wanted to turn around and I didn’t care if that meant I would have to drive for another 12 hours. Then, when driving through our home town would have been so damn exciting, I was feeling uninspired. Uninspired with the landscape, the smell, the feeling….
And finally, as we pulled into our driveway and sank our bodies into bed I couldn’t help but feel that my heart was elsewhere. My mind was so busy when it normally would’ve felt safe and content.
We were actually looking to buy a house in Minnesota at this time and we were quickly finding out that we were not going to be able to get the house that we wanted in the location that we preferred so we decided to sit down and revisit our dreams of something bigger. We still kept our eye on the local real estate incase the one became available but we also started looking for jobs out West! Well, Matt started looking for jobs out West because he had the career and I was still exploring my options so could work anywhere. ;) What did we have to loose?! If anything it’s interesting to learn of the different options available out there and brush up on interview skills.
Thank God Matt decided to apply for jobs because I never would’ve gotten that phone call at work. I never would’ve felt that rush of fear and thrill and un/certainty all simultaneously. That perma-smile I had at work that day is how I knew.
I knew I was 100% on board. I knew that this was my life. I knew that this would be hard and messy and exciting and exhilarating. I knew that we had manifested our dreams and that this was our time.
Matt and I are on our 5th year of living in Colorado. We own a house here which was the one we were always waiting for back home and are raising our beautiful child to be an adventurer like us. There are so many more reasons why moving out of state was right for me and why I have no regrets and how I know there’s also a chance of moving again but I am truly thankful for the trajectory that was set into motion early on in my adult life. Even if it was a hard, even if it was easy.